The Noose Around His Neck
by binhereb4
Summary: A short one off post 'Tractor Man' Thoughts and insights of Cal, Gill and Emily...Small angst, some humour...


**Hi - A One off that has crept up on me while I am struggling a bit with my multi chapter stories......This one's for YENN - Hope you like it......**

_Disclaimer as Norm..._

THE NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK

It was a noose around his neck.

It constant need to court danger, to put himself at risk, to make himself fearless – Fearless - That was a joke!

It was his fear that was the knot on the noose.

The fear of loosing everything –

Emily, Zoe, the small family within his staff that he had built himself, and Gillian Foster.

His secrets – the past maintained a constant sword of Damocles that lived with him day and night.

If – when, good things happened, it always took the edge of the enjoyment for him…waiting for that sword to drop, the black cloud hidden by the silver lining.

The fear of anyone knowing ALL of the history he fought so hard to keep hidden, from himself as much as others.

He broke away as Heidi came in and the latest pile of post on his desk.

"_Dr Foster has been trying to get hold of you on the phone – apparently you haven't been taking her calls_.."

"_I haven't been taking anyone's calls Heidi, not just hers. Did she say what she wanted?"_

"_Not really, just 'a chat'"_

_"A chat…did she have 'that tone' in her voice?"_

_"Well….I don't think she's very happy with you_…."

He grinned, "_In trouble again am I! Thanks Heidi_"

She flashed him a slightly worried look and then left.

He opened the lower drawer of his desk and retrieved his cell from where he had thrown it earlier – 5 missed calls – 4 from Foster, 1 from Emily.

He hit the re dial for his daughter.

"_Dad, finally! Where have you been? What are you doing? Are you ok dad?"_

_"Yeah..single speed please Em luv…I'm in the office and I'm fine. I ..err..left my phone in my coat pocket so I didn't hear it that's all"_

_"Liar_"

"_Oi, less of that miss – what did you want anyway?"_

_"Gill has been trying to ring you, just thought I'd let you know"_

_"Well thanks! now I've looked at my phone I can see that…Was that all you rang me for?"_

_"Pretty much…oh – and she's not happy with you, you've upset her over something – again_!"

"_Thank you for the warning Emily! Now ..if there's nuffin else…you're with your mum tonight yeah?"_

_"Yeah – you are going to go home aren't you? Please don't stay at the office all night again…and ring Gill…"_

_"Stop mothering me daughter! – go- be a teenager and shop, eat pizza and talk about boys…just talk, remember that"_

_"YES Dad….bye…love you_"

She disconnected before he could return the sentiment.

**xXx**

Gillian Foster was quietly seething.

She knew he knew she had been trying to contact him all morning.

She knew that he knew she was angry!

God that man could be such an arse.

He had shut her down twice now when she had tried to discuss his latest little 'self destruct' episode with the man in the tractor.

Yes, ok – they had both been fairly certain that there wasn't a bomb in the trailer – but they weren't certain! Not 100%.

He had to be made to see what it did to people when he pulled these stunts….To Emily, the team, - to her!

As much as she knew a couple of hours 'chat' telling him – yet again- of the pain he caused, why he felt the need to keep doing this – why he shouldn't! – would have no effect at all …she still needed to do it.

To vent – to try and push him into – maybe- opening up just a little and reveal the inner demons that made him behave that way.

It was a fruitless and completely reward less task, that's why nobody else ever bothered, but she had to……

**xXx**

Emily sat on her own sipping a milk shake at one of the numerous stalls in the mall.

She had suspected that her father was in 'one of those moods' but now, after hearing him on the phone, using that fake normal, ok voice that he tried so often to palm her off with, she KNEW he was in that deep dark place he often visited.

Sometimes she wished she had been born to normal parents.

Her mum a teacher, or even house mother.

Her father, an accountant or banker maybe….

A happy, normal little family with just the occasional arguments about normal things – what colour to paint the kitchen or whether to invite the in-laws to thanks giving or just pay them a fleeting visit….

It was a passing thought though, she knew that her upbringing, her parents, made her what she was today – and she liked who she was, but she wished her parents, particularly her father, could be at ease with themselves as she was.

Her mother, pretending she had started afresh and was happy with that idiot Rodger when she was really still in love with her ex husband – at least she thought she was!

Her father – well who did he love? Her certainly.

If there was one thing Emily was certain of in her life it was the absolute love her father had for her, but who else?

Her mother?, maybe – still- in a strange way.

Gillian Foster? Probably.

Sometimes she was never more certain of it – and others, like today…the two of them seemed to fight and bicker as much as her mum and dad had used to!

Not in the same way of course, the loud –sometimes violent way -

Gillian could never be like that.

But the confrontations, the silences, the looks – they seemed to be increasing lately, so sometimes she wondered if her original dreams of them 'getting it on' where going to stay just that – dreams.

She allowed herself a slight lopsided grin (so much like her fathers her mum would say sometimes) as she wondered what her dad would do when he got home that evening and found the box of expensive chocolates and even more expensive bottle of wine sitting on the table with a note saying – 'go to her dad – apologise and try and make it sincere! – let her tell you off, give her a kiss and tell her you won't do it again – please…'

She made a mental note on how she was going to explain the charges on her mother's card – then that she had to ring Heidi later to make sure her dad actually did leave the office……

**xXx**

She opened her door to see a hunched figure with a lop sided grin on his face.

A bottle of wine was in one hand, a box of her favourite chocolates in the other.

"_Four calls Cal – four! And you didn't think it might be important enough to return one of them? I was out in the field interviewing all day, I might have needed your help"_

_"Sorry luv, left me cell in me coat pocket - didn't hear it – didn't realize…Anyway, you don't need my help, you never do. You just think you do_."

Gill sighed and stepped to one side allowing him to enter. She saw no point now in pointing out that he had used the same – bad excuse - when he had returned Emily's call, or that Heidi had told him several times that she had been trying to ring him…what was the point….

She closed the door and turned to look at him.

He was still standing in the middle of the room, the wine in one hand, the chocolates in another. He was shuffling uneasily.

"_Take your coat off and go open the wine Cal, I'll put the chocolates in the fridge for now…We need to talk"_

_"Yeah luv, I know_"


End file.
